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The mind is powerful and so too are words. Through language we can be transported to an entirely different world and studies show that so called ‘dirty talking’ can not only enhance sexual experiences but can be as powerful as physical stimulation in regard to our brains response. 

Not only that but in a world of disconnect and distance we are relying more and more in relationships on phone sex and sexting, using written and spoken language to communicate our wants, desires and create virtual sex experiences. 

Recently I asked my audience their feelings on dirty talking and the most common answer was a worry over feeling silly. This is a feeling I can sympathise with; as a sex educator and online content creator I am no stranger to cringe moments of feeling silly having to dirty talk, but after a lot of practice and exploration I’ve have a newfound confidence of dirty talking and have first-hand experience of the profound power and influence it can have sexually. In this blog I cover what dirty talking is, why people enjoy it, types of dirty talking, building confidence and most importantly; how to do it. Read on to become a master of filth and don’t forget to subscribe for more content!

Why Do People Dirty Talk?

Adding dirty talk to the bedroom can enhance sexual experiences in many ways. The brain is probably the most important sexual organ and scientifically it’s been shown that language impacts the hypothalamus in the same intensity as genital stimulation can, causing it to release testosterone and support arousal and orgasm. Interestingly using swear words seem to increase this response which might explain why so many explicit words are included in erotic talk. Additionally, language doesn’t have the barriers of the real world, you can create expectation, fear, excitement, and more through ‘made up’ scenarios. Whether that’s being overwhelmed with tentacles, or locking up your partners genitals forever, reality is no barrier with words and fantasies can be explored freely. Talk can also support controlling sex scenes in a way that doesn’t impact or break arousal. For example, you can gain consent in a sexy way, you can tell someone your desires using descriptive sexy terms and guide behaviour, or you can increase the intensity by moaning harder or faster. Many people prefer listening to speaking and for some words and sounds are as important, if not more so important than anything else. I know for me, particularly as someone with a fetish, if I need ‘help’ in getting over the edge, I think about words, or sayings, to get me there. Don’t let this scare you though if you’re someone who is shy of speaking in the bedroom, I’m going to give you some amazing tricks to turn you into a pro!

So what actually is dirty talking?

Essentially dirty talking is the use of words and language sexually. There are 8 main categories for dirty talking, some of which cross over. These are:

Dominance: power over ‘I am going to use you and you’re going to lay there and take it, understood?’

Submission: giving power. for example ‘take me’ 

Instructive statements ‘open your legs’.

Positive reinforcement ‘you feel so good inside me’ ‘good girl’.

Intimacy and emotional bonding ‘I love you’. 

Ownership ‘this cock is mine’.

Speaking fantasies: bringing to life the persons desires and fantasies through talk, this can be something entirely imagined but you know is a turn on for them ‘maybe I should let all my friends in here to watch you’ or ‘you’re never going to taste me again’

Reflexive calls: these are words/ moans/ sayings that are almost involuntary for example ‘fuck’ ‘yes’ ‘oh my god’.

As you can see from these examples dirty talking doesn’t have to be complex and we certainly don’t have to be writing novels. 

Ok ok so I get it, lets dirty talk! But how??

So, I’ve managed to convince you to try it but you’re not sure how to start. First of all, I want to reassure you that you don’t need to be a master, and that feeling silly in sex or laughing is sometimes all part of the fun. When learning to walk, we fall over, again and again and again, until eventually walking is easy. Sex is a skill and when we start any skill, we get things wrong, and that’s ok! I want to encourage you to discuss this with your partner OUTSIDE the bedroom first. Cover your desires and fears and don’t be afraid to get things wrong. Sex is so much better when you let go of perfectionism. I remember the first time I asked my partner to give me a slap, what followed was a very limp and awkward tap on the face and hysterical laughter from both of us. Now he is a master Dom; mistakes are ok I promise. That said I think it is important to have a ‘yeses and no’s’ conversation, sometimes words are as hot a fire at igniting passion, and other words are a complete icks that will turn us off, knowing these triggers will help us in navigating dirty talking.

Some tips for learning how to naughty talk:

1. Use phrases that turn you on primarily. Instead of being too focused on what you think your partner wants to hear, practice using sayings that turn you on. Your physical response to this will be attractive in itself. For example, my favourite things to say are ‘use me’ ‘I was made for this’ or similar, and because it turns me on, the way I say it and my body’s response, turns my partner on
2. Don’t stress about saying different things every time, in fact I use the very same sayings over and over, and over and over they hit the spot. What you can do instead is use different tones and different levels of arousal to gain a different intensity of response. 
3. Watch, read, or listen to inspire you, note what turns you on, this could be erotica or even movies, write it down and use it! Saltburn was a definite inspiration for some recent spice in my bedroom (sorry not sorry)
4. Practice makes perfect, say it in the mirror, say it out loud, write fantasies down, record yourself if you like, the more you say it the easier it will be and the more natural it will feel, slowly you will build an erotic vocabulary you can pull from in any scenario. 
5. Don’t be afraid to pause. Feeling silly and rushing can cause us to stumble and get embarrassed. There is power in slowness. Take. Your. Time. Allow your brain to catch up to avoid stumbling, the anticipation for the next word is sexy in itself.
6. Debrief. The more comfortable you are with a partner the less afraid you will be to get things wrong, talk about things afterwards, ask what they enjoyed, get some feedback and encouragement. 
7. If all else fails moan. Groans, yesses, fucks, it all counts. Vocal enjoyment counts as stimulation, your pleasure is important and if the pressure on dirty talking is ruining the moment, don’t do it. 

So there we have it! All about dirty talk, why so many of us like it, what it is, our bodies response, and methods to try out to make it easier. If you enjoyed this blog please give it a share and a follow so I can keep making content like this. 

Love Always,

Alice x