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After my first remembered experience of SA I tried to make that person fall in love with me for months. Read that again. I’m scared to share this, petrified even, given the response most women experience when sharing any experience of sexual assault. I’m particularly nervous because I am a sex educator, a leader in the field of sex positivity, and I don’t want to contribute to the belief that hyper sexuality and kink desires stem from trauma when the science shows that not to be the case. But this is my story and if I’m going to expose myself online to break down stigma, the whole truth is necessary.

If someone loves me it can’t be SA right? If I always want it I can’t not want it? If I sexualise myself, I have the power.. right? And to a point this has been true for me. I have been able to rewrite and reclaim my sexuality and desire, and that has felt powerful. It is also true that you can have experienced sexual assault and still have a healthy relationship with sex and kink and thoroughly enjoy those things as I do. Moving into this world I had a new level of excitement and joy over sharing. I wanted people to feel seen, accepted and celebrated for all the things they loved. I wanted them to accept their bodies, learn a new level of autonomy and discover safe and enjoyable ways to explore their sexual selves, and amazingly I did that. By sharing my own journey proudly I supported others to do the same. At first this community was small, beautiful and sex positive. However in time everything grew and suddenly I found myself a fawn in a pit of lions, too many lions to please, I was exposed, scared and incredibly vulnerable. Dealing with new triggers and things to process with a pressure and expectation to get it all right. You see, all these professionals online, they are people, human, and they can simultaneously have a qualification and deep understanding of things whilst having their own struggles and vulnerabilities. Most therapists need therapy. The power of my message is that I put that out there for all to see, I am you and you are me, walking this journey together, but that also leaves me unprotected without the barrier of anonymity and the professional dynamic of most teacher student relationships. As much as I wanted to be that buffet, to soak in all the negativity and let the positivity filter through for others to grow, accept and feel, in December something happened and I faltered. a sponge can only soak in so much before it starts to leak.

I had an experience of not feeling safe that retraumatised me to a point. I started receiving hate online to the point of whatever I posted being received negatively, sometimes by the very people I wanted to protect and I no longer felt safe to share. I don’t even think I realised as it happened but my content became far more shielded, far more generic and far less inclusive of myself and my journey. Doing so has upset some people, as the connection they seeked was cut off and I’m sorry if you are one of those people but it was a process I needed to go through to heal. So now comes the process of learning to share authentically without hurting myself. How I’m going to do that I’m not sure but I’m determined to learn.

Its a wild world out here, I’m going to need to armour up, but together we are strong, a lion can’t kill 1000 fawns.

Love Always,

Alice x