Get better in bed! Subscribe to receive the weekly blog in your inbox!

So many sex ‘experts’, courses, books and more offer the path to ‘mind blowing sex’. As a sex educator and person who is seen with a level of responsibility in the field, I have read countless books, watched countless shows and essentially consumed everything I can on the subject in order to digest it and present it to my audience in a way they understand. I have noticed a huge division in the information available. The best and most experienced voices in the field will encourage people to look within or teach them how to request or receive information their partner is telling them, directly or otherwise, with sprinkles of skill work or technique. Others will project what they believe good sex to involve and prioritise skill work, being authoritarian in their language, often to promote a course that promises to make them a sex god. The latter is not good sex coaching. This is because good sex truly is unique. It is individual to you and your partner. While you could whip out porn star level riding techniques that might send one person to an out of space orgasm, this might cause one person to cum too soon ruining their sexual experience, or another might hate being rode as it makes them feel claustophobic. Good sex is about learning your wants, your needs, your desires, and your partners, learning how to communicate them or be truly present in your body without shame in order to even enjoy what is happening, it is not learning the finger blast curl 3000 move that will automatically cause anyone to fall in love with you. Sorry if that’s what you were expecting.

Good sex requires lifetime, ongoing internal work and this exercise is the first step in that work to understanding what good sex means to you. We are going to filter through some positive and negative sex experiences to discover your personal good sex recipe.

I want you to think about your top three sex experiences and write them down. I’ve written some prompt questions to support you in doing this:

Where did this take place, what was the location like? Was it in a bed after a romantic evening or in the car or a quickie in the kitchen? What time of day was it?

Who was this with, what did the person look like, was there more than one person, did you have a deep connection, or had you just met them? Was anyone watching or were you in private? Were you or them wearing anything special? 

How did the encounter come about? Had you been teasing each other with a big build up or was it sudden and spontaneous? Were you expecting it? Who came on to who? 

What happened? Positions? Foreplay? Was it a kinky experience or lovemaking? Was it a scene with set roles or spontaneous?

How did you feel when it happened? Submissive? Dominant? Desired? Passionate? Ravaged? Powerful? Present? Loved? Adored? Excited? 

What stood out about it for you? Was it something someone said? Did? Wore? A way you felt? What made it so special?

Then think of and write down three of your worst sexual experiences. Once you have written your experiences you can pull out the similarities in the positive experiences and start to form an idea of what you enjoy in a sexual experience and why. Similarly, you can compare the negatives and find the things that turn you off. This can help you to communicate to recreate those positive feelings and avoid the negative. 

I’ve included two of my own positive sexual experiences and my analysis of what I enjoy supporting you in writing and discovering your own.

I was at a new friend and her partners house party. I fancied the both of them, they were God and Goddess level hot. It was the first time I had met him. I had had a few drinks and was enjoying the party I had no idea what was about to happen. He asked me if he could kiss me, they were in an ENM relationship, but I had never experienced anything like this before. I felt extremely desired like he couldn’t resist me. He kissed me and I asked him to double check if it was ok with my friend (his girlfriend) when she walked in. She asked what was going on, but in a hot way. He kissed me roughly and asked my safe word. We had a threesome where my friend did a lot of watching me while he played with me, they both mocked me saying ‘look at her she loves it’ and she told me to beg him to stop gleefully. I used a doxy vibrator and he told me I couldn’t cum but I couldn’t stop myself. He then punished me by whipping me with a crop, I had to count each spank and if he felt like the spank was too soft to count and I counted he would start again. I took the spanks well. Throughout people were walking in and out of the bedroom and saw us. After they both asked my aftercare needs and we had a cuddle. We debriefed in the morning. 

I was on holiday with my husband, and we were reading on the balcony after a lovely day in the sun. The view was stunning. I was reading erotica and felt horny. I started teasing him and quickly started riding him on the balcony where we could be caught and had to be quiet. He came and then took me inside. He put my hands against the glass of the balcony and spread my legs. He told me what a little whore I was and that I would be punished. He used my doxy and made me cum over and over again until I was begging for him to stop. He had sex with me again. We cuddled and ate snacks after and talked about how hot it was and why. 

From these stories I can see common themes in being a spontaneity, tease, power play, being irresistible/ desired, the possibility of being caught or feeling exposed, being submissive, feeling used, humiliation/ praise, having ‘games’ or mental challenges that I can win, punishment, orgasming, the use of toys, certain language, care, safety, aftercare and having the opportunity to debrief and cuddle. 

I have done a lot of self-analyses and this really is the true key to learning about what good sex is to you. It is one long experiment. What worked? Why? What didn’t? Why? How can we do more of the good and less of the bad? Good sex doesn’t just happen, and it starts with discovery.

So now we have discussed some techniques in discovering what good sex means for you, go ahead and discover, share with your partner if you have one, or do the activity together, tell me all about what you learned about yourself here or on one of my other platforms. I can’t wait to get to know what makes you tick! Don’t forget to subscribe below so you don’t miss a blog and keep learning.

With Love always,

Alice x