Wondering how to be dominant in bed when everything you were taught told you to be submissive? This is my story of discovering my Dominant energy, building confidence, and learning how to take control—both in the bedroom and beyond.

How to Be Dominant in Bed: Finding My Femdom Confidence After Being Taught to Submit

If you had told me years ago that I’d be confidently dominating partners, including my very bratty husband, I would’ve laughed. I remember my first clumsy attempts at Femdom—awkward, unsure, anxious. I had no idea how to command control, especially over someone bigger or stronger than me. I didn’t know how to start a BDSM scene, what it should include, or how to end it. What if they said no? How was I supposed to punish someone without hurting them? The anxiety leaked into my voice, my posture, my energy—and my submissive didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust myself.

It was uncomfortable, so I assumed Dominance just wasn’t for me.

But the truth? I just didn’t have the skills yet. Like being shoved on stage and told to perform the tango without ever learning the steps, I was underprepared. Now, with a solid toolkit and years of experience, I don’t just look powerful—I am powerful. I’m assertive, composed, commanding. I have the presence to make most men squirm with one look—and thank me for it afterward.

Curious about what it would feel like to really step into your Dominant power — and be trusted in it?

You don’t need to be loud, tall, or traditionally “Dominant” to lead with confidence.

Join me and Matthew for a live webinar designed to help you overcome the fear, find your voice, and command your scenes with grace, skill, and joy.

Find out More

Why It’s Harder for Women to Learn Femdom Confidence

Some people have an easier time accessing their Dominance because they’ve seen it modeled. Men, for example, are often socialised to lead, to take charge, to dominate. They’re shown powerful masculine characters, told to be assertive, and rarely penalised for it.

Women, on the other hand, are taught to be gentle, nurturing, and agreeable. We’re given dolls, told to smile, not to be bossy. When we do see powerful women in media, they’re often framed as cruel or manipulative.

So when a woman tries to step into her Dominant energy, she’s doing it without a framework. She’s trying to dance a tango she’s never seen before. It doesn’t mean she can’t become a brilliant dancer—it just means the starting point is different.

Now? I often top. And I’m really, really good at it. I still prefer submission most days, but it turns out I’m an incredibly effective Dominant woman—and that skill has transformed other areas of my life too.

Here are the things that helped me grow from unsure and self-conscious to a 4ft 11 powerhouse who can have a man naked, kneeling, and begging to please me.

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1. Change Your Perception of What Dominance Looks Like

You don’t need to rely on strength or aggression to be powerful. If you’re smaller, physical domination might feel performative or even fake. Good news: BDSM isn’t a fair fight. You can create a deeply real power dynamic without ever raising your voice.

Power tip: Use psychological tools like anticipation, subtle gestures, and confident stillness. Your power is in your presence, not your muscle.

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2. Study Femdom Role Models and Media

You can’t master what you’ve never seen. Watching Dominant women you admire—in porn, films, books, or education—builds your mental framework. It helps you find language, tone, pacing, and posture.

Power tip: Build a curated folder of dominant female archetypes, scenes, or resources that inspire your energy. Revisit them before play.

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3. Practice Psychological Domination

Understanding your submissive is your greatest weapon. What excites them? What scares them? What motivates them? Use behavioral techniques like training, denial, posture correction, rules, praise, and punishment. Control the mind and the body will follow.

Power tip: Ask: “What act would feel like a reward to you? What would make you want to obey me?”

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4. Use Visual and Sensory Tools

Your clothes, tools, and surroundings can shift the scene instantly. Being dressed while your partner is naked, kneeling, or blindfolded already creates power imbalance. Props, sensory deprivation, lighting, music—they all add to your command.

Power tip: Choose one prop, outfit, or environmental change to elevate your next scene. Small shifts = big energy.

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5. Embrace the Pause: Slow is Powerful

Early on, I rushed everything. I didn’t know what to say or do next. Now I know: silence is suspense. A slow walk, a quiet stare, a wicked smile—these build tension and give you space to plan.

Power tip: Let silence be part of your script. Stillness can dominate more than shouting ever could.

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6. Play a Dominant Persona

If accessing your Domme energy feels vulnerable, play a character. Channel someone fierce: a strict teacher, a cunning villain, or a manic pixie dream Domme like Harley Quinn. The distance helps you experiment without overthinking.

Power tip: Choose a character. Embody one phrase, gesture, or tone they’d use. You don’t need a costume—just the attitude.

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7. Negotiate Like a Pro

The thing that changed everything for me? Clear negotiation. Knowing someone’s limits, desires, kinks, and triggers means you’re not guessing. You’re sculpting an experience with safety and confidence.

Power tip: Use a kink negotiation form. I offer one for free when you join the newsletter—and it’s changed how my scenes unfold.

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Want to Learn How to Be Dominant in Bed?

Curious about what it would feel like to really step into your Dominant power — and be trusted in it?

You don’t need to be loud, tall, or traditionally “Dominant” to lead with confidence.

Join me and Matthew for a live webinar designed to help you overcome the fear, find your voice, and command your scenes with grace, skill, and joy.

Find out More

I also share how-to videos, scene demos, and psychological play breakdowns on my OF—from brat taming to impact play to submissive training. Whether you’re just starting your Femdom journey or refining your style, I’ve got you.

You don’t have to be tall or loud to be powerful. You can be soft, tiny, playful, or sweet—and still have someone kneeling, shaking, and saying, “Thank you, Mistress.”

Start small. Build slowly. And never doubt your right to take control.

Love always,

Alice x