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Ethical non monogamy or ENM appears to be a hot topic currently. With increasing coverage of the various forms and a strong devision of public opinion I thought it time to provide some information and answer the burning questions surrounding ENM; what is it? What are the different types? and why would someone choose to be ENM?

There are different explanations of what it means to be ethically non-monogamous, some defining it as an orientation, core to who they are, and others as a lifestyle choice. But the general consensus is that ENM people believe that exclusivity is not a requirement for romantic or sexual connection and therefore can engage in multiple relations.

I remember when I first discovered polyamoury (a form of ENM we will look at more later) as a valid relationship option. I had always felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was bad somehow for desiring connection with more than one person. I had lived in a loving monogamous relationship for 8 years but a part of me always felt caged. I wanted to experience all the world had to offer, I wanted to learn about, enjoy time with and give and receive love and support with others, and at the core of me, I felt a strong belief that love was not finite. The more I learned the more ENM made sense to me, just like when I had my second and third child I did not suddenly divide my love for my older children, adding more relationships did not take away from the ones I already had, although of course it is important to manage time with and nurture each relationship individually. It seemed unreasonable to me now, that we live in a world that expects one person to fulfil our every need, resenting them when they could not, that by building a community we can have different needs met by different people and that would release the pressure on other relationships, because we can share the emotional load and be free to enjoy each other. That by opening the relationship we could learn from others and bring that learning back to our existing relationships, that we would therefore be required to turn up and work at the relationship in order to be consistently chosen. That without the traditional constraints of relationship that encouraged co-dependancy we would also turn up for ourselves and have an individual autonomy I’d never experienced before. It wasn’t easy, and is an ongoing process, but opening our relationship was transformational and for the first time in my life I feel authentically me.

Of course there is nothing wrong with monogamy, and there are many people content in that lifestyle. Variety is a beautiful thing and it is my hope that my readers approach this with a curious want to understand a different perspective. It is not my desire to ‘convert’ people to non-monogamy but to provide a perspective perhaps not considered before.

Ethical non-monogamy is not new. In fact monogamy is believed to be a societal concept to monitor and control inheritance. Despite that only around 5% of the population are practising ENM. Many people however, vocally argue against ethical non monogamy while engaging in cheating or non consensual non monogamy, it having impacted over 40% of relationships. I frequently hear ENM being blamed for relationship breakdown by the outside world in such relationships but never the same for monogamy despite this high percentage of cheating.

There are so many types of ENM that differ in their boundaries regarding sexual and romantic connection those that swap or play with partners present, hierarchal polyamory where you have a primary partner, to complete relationship anarchy. I have included a diagram below to help explain the levels of sexual and romantic exclusivity in each of the different relationship styles.

The beautiful thing is we are all individual. ENM might be for you, it might not be, and that’s ok. As long as we are all aware and consenting to whatever relationship styles we have with the people in those relationships, that’s all that really matters.

There is so much more to ENM that I hope to cover including how to discuss this with a partner, attachment styles and their impact, resources of support and my own journey into ENM, but for now I hope I have provided some understanding and knowledge on the topic. Opening my marriage and realising my polyamory has not been easy, it’s something that has taken and is taking ongoing work. But we are happier and more in love than ever before thanks to our commitment to each other.

Love Always,

Alice x