Why You Can’t Find a Female Third

On this weeks ‘Ask Alice’ a couple asked, “Why can’t we find a female third?”. It inspired me to write this blog exploring unicorn hunting, its ethical pitfalls, and when (if ever) it might actually work.

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What Is Unicorn Hunting (and Why Is It So Controversial)?

Unicorn hunting is when (typically heterosexual) couples seek a bisexual woman to join them for sex or sometimes a romantic dynamic. She’s called a unicorn because she’s considered rare, magical, and often more fantasy than flesh-and-blood.

But it’s a term that sparks instant debate—between curiosity, arousal, and a whole lot of ethical question marks. At its worst, it can treat women like a wish-fulfilment side quest rather than autonomous humans.

With Channel 4’s Open House series in full swing, I’ve had a surge of “Ask Alice” questions on this topic, particularly from well-intentioned but naive couples wanting to know why finding a female third feels so hard. There’s clearly curiosity, but also confusion—and it’s time we talked about it.

Why Unicorn Hunting Often Misses the Mark

Many folks in non-monogamous and queer spaces call unicorn hunting unethical because of:

• Couple Privilege: The couple often makes the rules, leaving the unicorn in a vulnerable position with less say.
• Fetishisation: Bisexual women are frequently treated like tools for couple pleasure rather than people with agency.
• Asymmetrical Power Dynamics: If one person in the couple doesn’t vibe, the unicorn can be cut out without consideration.
• Emotional Carelessness: Many couples use it as a test drive for non-monogamy, assuming they can stop if it gets “too real” — but that leaves the unicorn emotionally stranded.

Eighty-six per cent of bisexual women report being approached by couples online, often not as full partners, but as sexual ‘add-ons,’ highlighting the industry-wide fetishisation.

Imagine being invited to co-write a love story, only to be edited out halfway through because your character arc didn’t match the couple’s plot.

When (and How) Unicorn Hunting Can Work

Not all unicorn hunting is a red flag. Ethical Unicorn hunting is possible! With emotional maturity and clarity, it can be a consensual and even beautiful dynamic.

It’s more ethical when:

• It’s Clearly Casual: If it’s a swing-style hookup and everyone understands it’s short-term, it can be deeply enjoyable—especially for those of us who enjoy being of service or facilitating couple fantasies.
• Everyone’s Experienced and Honest: When couples date individually, acknowledge unique dynamics, and don’t expect mirror-image connections, it moves from hunting to courting.

The key? Clarity, consent, consideration, and the understanding that relationships aren’t Rubik’s cubes needing symmetrical sides to be “valid.”

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My Real-Life Unicorn Chronicles

Our First Threesome was with a Pro

Not many people realise that Mr Lovegood and I are still only a few years into non-monogamy. Back when we first started exploring, I had never had a threesome, and Mr L had actually only ever been intimate with me! It was all so new, and we didn’t feel confident or knowledgeable enough to organise and navigate it organically (plus, we wanted to film it—haha).

One of my best friends is a professional, and facilitating a couple’s first threesome is one of her favourite parts of the job. Having her meant she could guide us through the experience. I felt able to be a novice, to share any anxieties or feelings that popped up. There was no competitiveness, jealousy, or imbalance of attention because it was an experience for us that she was facilitating.

It gave us the freedom and space to identify and work through any difficult emotions without guilt. We knew we could stop or change things at any point, and we never felt pressure to perform or impress her.

We often reflect on how grateful we are that Chelsea was our first unicorn. It taught us so much that we’ve carried into future connections—how to care deeply, communicate clearly, and create ethical, conscious dynamics where everyone’s needs are honoured.

Thinking about your first unicorn experience? It’s okay to start with support. There’s no shame in learning slowly and safely.

What Happens When a Unicorn Relationship Evolves

Though Mister Lovegood and I never set out to unicorn hunt, one relationship blossomed from that dynamic. Myself, Mister L, and K grew close after a threesome, but she had trauma that complicated romantic connection with cis men. She worried she had to “match” the dynamic she saw forming between me and her. It wasn’t until we all had a deep, honest conversation that she realised there were no expectations.

She and I now date. She and Matt have a gentle, platonic, caring connection. There’s love, respect, and there’s understanding. And there’s freedom.

How to Unicorn Hunt Ethically

Still wondering, “Why can’t we find a female third?” Here’s the honest tea:

• You may be centring your fantasy, not real people.
• You might be broadcasting unspoken rules or expectations.
• You likely haven’t done the self-work non-monogamy requires.

That’s not ethical unicorn hunting. Unicorns can feel that.

1. Get Clear on Your Desires
Are you craving a casual encounter or a real relationship? Does your desire consider the other person as a full person with feelings—or are you fetishising them?

2. Do the Work
Have you got the communication and emotional regulation skills to navigate this fairly? Are you willing to sit in discomfort if you struggle?

3. Examine Your Privilege
Discuss your couple dynamic. Is there veto power? Who holds control? Are you willing to do the work to unpack that?

4. Stop Looking for a Role, Start Meeting People
You’re not hiring a guest star. You’re connecting with a whole human. Explore real-life spaces like sex-positive events, swing parties, or kink socials without expectation. Observe. Learn. Connect.

5. Learn Before You Leap
Read. Watch. Listen. Especially to bisexual and non-monogamous voices.

6. Consider Hiring a Professional
Whether a sex worker, surrogate partner, or coach, some desires are better met with clear boundaries and paid emotional labour.

7. Communicate Your Wants and Capacities
You may be looking for a casual hook-up style connection, and that may very well appeal to a unicorn. You’re entitled to seek that—but please communicate it! It is not okay to assume that anyone connecting with you is automatically looking for the same level of connection as you are.

Come Learn With Me Live

If this stirred something in you, come join me for my next live session:

🗓️ Boundaries Without Control: Understanding and Communicating Feelings in ENM
🎟️ Book your ticket

We’ll get into what it means to create connection without control. No shame. No judgement. Just tools, truth, and some damn good questions.

TL: DR

Unicorn hunting isn’t inherently evil —but it’s often done in ways that centre couples and sideline real humans. It is possible to practice ethical unicorn hunting if you make effort learning how.

So maybe it’s not about finding a unicorn.

Maybe it’s about becoming the kind of people a unicorn would want to find.

Love Always,

Alice x

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