Get better in bed! Subscribe to receive the weekly blog in your inbox!

Overcoming Addiction: My Journey from Substance Abuse to Sobriety

The Secret that Almost Took Everything From Me

Of all the things I’ve shared—multiple fists, kidnap fantasies, every inch of my sex life—you’d think nothing would be too shameful to admit. But there’s one thing I’ve buried deeper than all the rest: addiction.

It seems ridiculous, really. My whole brand is honesty—radical, unfiltered, often uncomfortable honesty. And yet, this? This I hid. Maybe if addiction had been part of my story when I started this blog, back when I had no audience to appease and no fear of judgment, I would have been able to speak about it sooner. But the truth is, I didn’t have a handle on it. So I shoved it in a cupboard, convinced that if I ignored it, it would stay small.

It didn’t.

It grew.

And to be perfectly honest, for a long time, I wasn’t sure I wanted to get rid of it.

---

Addiction and Mental Health: The Perfect Storm

I’ve always related to Robbie Williams when he said, “I am an introvert doing an extrovert’s job, and I am terrified most of the time.”

The growth of my blog, my presence, my work—it’s been incredible. But combine that with a deep-seated fear of losing it all (thanks, childhood trauma!), neurodivergence, bipolar disorder, repressed memories surfacing, and a complete inability to manage extroverted spaces—it was a recipe for disaster.

Most people have a dark, Gollum-like image of an addict—someone lurking in alleyways, stealing spoons from old ladies. But the truth? Most addicts I know are just people in pain, looking for relief. Many of them are highly intelligent, self-aware, and stuck in situations they can’t physically or emotionally manage. So they find a “solution.”

That’s how it started for me.

---

My First Experience with Addiction: The Moment It Started

I remember the exact moment I became an addict.

I was 11 years old. A child caregiver for my mum, whose spinal injury had left her in excruciating pain. She was 33. Her fiancé had left. She had lost her career. We were so poor that I’d search for change in the street just to afford a sausage roll.

And then there was me. A kid, watching her mother scream in agony, completely powerless.

I saw what her morphine did—it gave her relief. It made her body relax, her pain disappear. So one night, I took some.

And suddenly, the world felt softer. The fear, the instability, the helplessness—gone.

I felt relief.

---

Addiction Transfer: When One Addiction Replaces Another

Addiction is a shapeshifter. It doesn’t leave, it just changes form.

For years, I thought I had beaten my addiction because I wasn’t using. I didn’t see that I had simply transferred it—from drugs to food.

I wasn’t bingeing morphine anymore. I was bingeing fast food in my car, hiding the evidence, obsessing over my next fix. I spent money I didn’t have. I lied about how much I had eaten. I would binge, feel disgusted, swear it was the last time—and do it all over again.

When I finally had weight loss surgery, I thought I was free. But the thing about addiction is that if you don’t deal with the root cause, it just finds another home.

---

Alcohol Addiction: The Slippery Slope

When I moved to Bristol, a whole new world opened up to me. Clubs that stayed open on weekdays. Cool people. Events. A life I never got to have as a teenage mum. I had freedom, excitement, and opportunities I’d only dreamed of.

And I had no idea how to handle any of it.

I needed to keep up—keep working, keep socializing, keep being “Alice.” So I found my old friend relief. And this time, it came in powder form.

At first, it was casual. Fun, even. But then a trauma memory resurfaced, one I’m still not ready to talk about. That’s when the shift happened. The drug wasn’t just something I wanted.

It was something I needed.

I remember even using drink as a comparison to show how the narcotics were an issue; ‘I would never do that with drink, I can take it or leave it’. The last narcotic I took was in October last year, and I thought after that 30 day chip I had done it! Completed. I even had the badge to show. I was wrong.

---

The Cleverest Beast: How Addiction Convinces You You’re Fine

Because addiction is clever. It’s a shapeshifter, a master manipulator. It convinces you that you’re still in control, that you’re different from all those “real” addicts.

I told myself, I never did it around the kids. I never drove under the influence. I only drank after 6 PM—until that became 3 PM, then 1 PM.

I told myself, Everyone else is drinking—why can’t I?

I need it to be productive. I need it to function. I’m at an event—of course I’m going to have a drink. It’s normal.

Is it really that bad? If it makes me feel better, why shouldn’t I?

It’s a convincing beast, and it knows exactly what to say to keep you hooked.

---

Day 5 of Sobriety: The Start of a New Chapter

So here I am. Day 5 of full sobriety.

No substances. No alcohol. No more running.

I went to my first AA last night and am on a mission to get myself a sponsor and do this properly. Alcohol was, by far, the hardest thing to give up. The withdrawals were horrific. It took me a long time to ask for help, but now that I have, I’m so grateful. I want to live—not just numb myself through it.

I heard a quote recently ‘you can give up everything for one thing, or you can give up one thing for everything.’ I know which I am choosing. I just have to do so one day at a time.

---

Addiction Recovery Resources: You’re Not Alone

If you’re struggling, please know you don’t have to do this alone. There is help, and there is hope.

📌 Resources for Support:

• Narcotics Anonymous (NA): www.na.org
• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA): www.aa.org
• SAMHSA National Helpline (US): 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
• Drinkaware (UK Alcohol Support): www.drinkaware.co.uk
• Mind (UK Mental Health Support): www.mind.org.uk
• SMART recovery (smartrecovery.org)
• Advocacy, Recovery, Community & Humanity (ARCH) (https://linktr.ee/archrecovery)
• Satanic Temple Sober Faction (https://linktr.ee/soberfaction)

One last thing! If you enjoyed this blog, then please consider joining my newsletter below, where you get weekly insights, tips, tricks, offers, discounts AND a free kink exploration form when you sign up! With censorship at it’s peak it really helps me keep a level of security, meaning I can keep doing what I love, helping you!